it's over... for now...

the past week seems especially long for me... hectic and tiring as well. but at least i managed to live through it and i guess i did all right... and most importantly, i got my streamyx connection which is extremely fast compared to my previous dial up connection... hahaha... that's cool....

anyway, i was tutoring my 'student' just now. but instead of teaching him from his books, i gave him lessons of life instead. hahaha... i've never felt older. i was just mentioning what a student should do to improve his grades. well, at least what i thought could improve his grades. and i myself practised none of it during my days in secondary school which might explain my poor grades (talk about double standards!).

i explained to him how important it is to concentrate in class. to pay attention to the subject at hand.  and never to be shy to raise your hand and ask a question. things that i used to laugh at when i was in VI (that'll be my secondary school - Victoria Institution - a great school)

i also told him about the importance of discipline (something that i learnt in VSG - Victoria Scout Group - the best thing i ever did in my schooling life) and time management. well... i have hands on experience on what will happen if you can't manage your time so i'm qualified to talk about it right? hahaha....

basically, i was relaying my experience to him and i was just telling him what i think would improve his grades and his life in general as a student. i'm not the best person to give that kind of speech but at least i've been through all of that so i know what's good and what's not. how to improve your life as a person? that i will not touch. in fact, i need someone to come up to me and answer that question for me.

all that talk has brought up lots of good old memories. memories that would bring back some of that passion that was lost. keep the embers burning. i wanted to relive the good old times tonight. wanted to share it with you. but something else happened. something that gave an additional twist to the end of this freaking week.

i called her after my tutoring session (her being my other half - ly). to my surprise, she hung up on me. so i called her again. she finally answered on the third try. then i found out that she was mad at me over a testimonial i wrote for a friend of mine (my friend's a girl). she said my testimonial sounded like i was really close to her (my friend). and there was something in it that really upsets her. and she doesn't want to talk about it tonight. so she said good night and hung up.

i was shocked. i tried to recall the testimonial i wrote for my friend. i can't recall anything on that testimonial that could affect her in the way it did. but that's not what i want to talk about here. and i definitely don't wanna talk about how frequently we argue or the problems we argue about. instead, in all of that incident, something else shocked me even more. it's the feeling i felt when i realized she was angry and sad.  especially sad.

i couldn't believe how much it affected me and how much it actually changed my mood. i was so depressed that all the good feelings i had from my memories was washed away. i mean, i do get affected previously but this time it was different. i suddenly realized how much she means to me. i realized how much 'us' means to me.

usually, when we argue, i get upset. i get angry. but this time, i felt terrible. i felt totally at fault. how come? i don't get it myself. i just realized that she means more to me than i've ever realized. i've been taking her presence for granted.

i know this won't be the last argument we'll have. actually i wish there'll be more coz that'll mean we're still together. but i just want to let her know that things will definitely change from now. it'll change for the better. i hope it's not too late.....

well i guess that walk down memory lane will have to wait for another day... right now, i'll travel back on my own, refelcting the times i had with her... good and bad...

Announcement!

i finally got my streamyx connection!!!

still tired...

haven't slept for up to 30 hours now... and i still have classes for another 6 hours! but at least i'm done with assignments for now. right now, i'm typing this entry from the comfort of my university's library (well at least it's cold in here and its quiet).
anyway, i was just thinking about how i've changed from my days in secondary school. i don't really know how much i've changed. i don't even know if it's for better or worse. i'm hoping i could answer that question like a mechanics question. just figure out the forces acting and obtain the equilibrium. but life's not that simple (bear with me ok? i'm just typing my mind without filtering).
i still enjoy the same pleasures. a hot cup of coffee when it's raining. a good game of soccer. the smell of the forest after a heavy downpour. a glass of wine before bed time. the taste of belgian chocolate melting down my throat. a good laugh with my best friends. the feeling of her arms wrapped around me. the taste of her lips on mine. a good conversation. too many pleasures? i think it's still not enough.
although i still enjoy the above with the same passion as i did before, a strange feeling surrounds me whenever i think about my past. where has all the rage and fury gone? where is my hunger for excitement? my rebellious attitude? university life has dealt with all that. although i'm the same person, but my attitude towards life has changed. my mum says i'm maturing. is that so? well, if it is, i DON'T like it! i still need some zest in life, to feel the blood rushing through my veins, to feel my heart pounding against my chest.
i never really realized this until the last semester but i've suddenly became so overwhelmed with my studies that i'm starting to be a paranoid. afraid i'll screw up the next exam or test or even just a quiz. what has gotten into me? probably the setback i faced with my STPM results let me down. i've never seen my parents so angry...  
sure, there are the positive side. i've come to appreciate the people around me more. my family. my friends. i also had my priorities set, thought i'm not sure if its in the right order yet. but i'm still not satisfied. all those rage i had inside me last time is now turned against myself. always finding reason to be angry at myself. never satisified. never confident enough.
people always say phrases like "live your life to the fullest" and "no regrets". i say bullshit. all i can do is try my best and i have tried. but guess what? regrets haunt my dreams at night. maybe i'm being a tad bit emotional. that's what loneliness does to you. yes... loneliness....

i've been trying to adapt to university life ever since i stepped foot into this campus but i still can't. instead of blending in with the students, i've blended in with the environment. maybe it's me, maybe it's the students. well, ok, it must be me. everyone else seems to be doing ok. so where's the problem? there are some really nice people around, but its just not easy to let my guard down and mix in with the crowd. you know what i mean?

actually, after 3 semesters here, i've come to adapt to another attitude. instead of being rebellious, i just couldn't care what's going on around me. it causes me too many sleepless nights so i just overcame it by burying my face in my books. but that can only help for so long... what am i going to do when that doesn't work out either? this is one reason why i really do salute my friends who actually went overseas to pursue their studies. i don't know if my will power is strong enough to make that journey. this is another reason why i want to pursue my post graduate studies elsewhere. maybe gain enough courage to cross the south china sea? well, only time will tell.

anyway, i've gotta go now. need to help my friend out with his lab report. he should be coming over soon. and while waiting for him, i might be able to steal a nap which i need desperately. my ramblings for today will stop here. i know it's not something to impress people with, but with my new found attitude, i don't really care... it's my feelings and it' true from my heart... hahaha...  

tired....

my eyes are as heavy as it can get. one hour of sleep in the past 48 hours, and with so much more to do. in the middle of a lab report right now but i'm just so saturated i might as well be typing a report on einstein's theory of relativity. my time management has got to improve. it really has to. never had enough time to do half the things i wanted to do. never had enough time...

it'll be a short entry this time... gotta get some much needed rest. tomorrow is another challenge, a new challenge....

hectic time (lazy would be more accurate...)

it has been a rather tiring weekend... and the worst part is i didn't accomplish much, which kinda sucks. if i were to give an excuse, it would be because the semester were just starting and i'm trying to juggle my studies, part time tutoring and having fun. hahaha... excuses, excuses... that part time tutoring isn't much anyway, i'm still trying it out. right now i'm tutoring a 9 year old kid in mastering both his english and malay language. 3 days a week, 2 hours a day which is on mondays, fridays and saturdays. he has been relaying splendid reviews to his mum which is a good sign i guess. earning bout 150 a month, but i'm hoping i can lure more students when the good news has spread. then i'll be making big bucks... hahahaha... dream on dude...

anyway, had a heated argument with my other half last night. it was over some insignificant point which we might forget over the next couple of days. i don't know why but these arguments have become more frequent as the years go by. for your info, we've been together exactly 3 years 6 months and 1 week. she's a really sweet gal. my total opposite to be truthfull. probably that's the reason we are still together after all. lately however, these arguments are threatening to overcome our feelings for each other, during which we hurl hurtful sentences at each other.  it hurts. yes, it does.

after each argument, i tend to travel back in time... thinking of all the times we spent together, good or bad. and everytime, i would come back with a smile on my face. i do realize our relationship is special, not one that i want to end anytime soon. to her, i want to say sorry and i love you, truly.  hmm, this is starting to sound like a public apology. hahaha... but let's not talk bout that much more. when the mood is right, i will tell you more bout the both of us, bout how much she means to me.

so, what else did i do this weekend? hmm... my weekly futsal was busted this evening. some misunderstanding with the booking of the pitch. that bloody guy actually received two orders for the same pitch and time. well, another bout of arguments and everyone went home disappointed.

some good news though, i bought a new dv cam with my dad yesterday. its a panasonic model that costs around 2k. been going through the manual and it all seems so alien to me. hahaha... just excited to actually have the oppurtunity to try out something new. technology always appeals to me but this is one area which i admit that i really know nothing about. dv cam and digicam. when i have learnt all the functions, i'll probably post a video recording here. hahaha... that would be cool...

i guess that's all for tonight. i really gotta get to my assignments and my class starts at 8 tomorrow... damn...

 

ps:

 

to tomatoinc,

well, i have to admit your blog spurred me on to start my own writing. but hey, i have always wanted to do this. hahaha... tomatoinc has been a true friend for the past 15 years. been through thick and thin with this guy...

At long last

well well well... what d'ya know? at last i have been able to overcome whatever it is that has always been holding me back from publishing a creative piece of writing from myself. well, creative doesn't necessarily appeal to everyone... hehehe... i have always wanted to write. i found much joy in expressing myself this way. yet the fear of being ridiculed and also some procrastination values instilled over the years have always won the battle over my desires. ok... for starters, i do not want to introduce myself here as i am hoping that a total stranger would eventually read my postings and get to know me through my writings. i know it's unlikely but still it's not impossible right? well, i guess that's enough for the first post. i got to get back to my life as a student which means finishing up my assignment... or at least try... =)

 

btw, i would really appreciate if anyone could give me some hints on how to make-over the template of my page... thnx...